Brace yourself, Internet. I have a secret addiction and I can’t deny it any longer. It’s time to come clean.
I am obsessed with Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. By “obsessed,” I mean I have – no lie – seen every single episode of what is now going into the 8th season.
The thing is, every single episode of every single season EXACTLY the same. But I cannot, no matter how hard I try, turn it off. Just to make sure I don’t miss it, I DVR it. DVR, Internet! The space on my DVR is sacred space, especially with the fall TV season coming up, so that should tell you how deep this loyalty runs.
I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. It defies all logic and reason. While I was a cheerleader in school, I never desired to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. Or any kind of post-high school cheerleader, for that matter. They’re outside and they’re sweaty and they’re wearing flesh-colored tights. All things I hate. But despite all that, the show is amazing. Amazing in a train wreck sort of way. I just can’t look away.
The director of the DCC is where it all happens for me. She is, perhaps, one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She also possesses the largest set of balls of any Southern woman since Scarlett O’Hara. She ruthless, y’all. Like, Yankee ruthless. She is ridiculously hard core.
If your waist is over 26 inches, she’s going to be quick to tell you that you are “thick through the middle and not uniform ready.” And she has no qualms about sticking her hands down your bra to adjust the girls and ask, “Are they yours?” And don’t you dare mess up tying the signature DCC uniform top under and through your bra, or she’s going to call you into her office and tell you that you’re “just not DCC material.” It never fails that the “not DCC material” girls burst into tears and go on and on about how “this was the most amazing experience of my entire life and I will love these girls forever.”
The dance instructor. Oh, boy, the dance instructor. Her name is Kitty Carter and she's a character. She growls at them, yells at them, tells them they’re ruining her life with their bad technique. The girls just really want to please her, and, honestly, I’m invested. So of course I’m coming back for more.
Once the final number of girls have made it into training camp, they go through the makeover process before the photoshoot. By makeover process, I mean, the process by which the director turns them into what she things they should look like. They have no say in the matter. Do it or go home. Those are your choices. And the pictures? That’s to see how photogenic they are. No photogenic? Pack it up, you’re going home.
These girls? They’ve waited their whole entire life for this opportunity. They dreamed and worked for this their WHOLE life, y’all. All 19 years of it. See what I mean? Train wreck. I’m not a Dallas Cowboys fan, I don’t even know anything about the DCC once the season starts, but each and every time I turn on CMT and see that kick line, I live vicariously through them for the next hour. Or five, if it’s a marathon.
This isn’t something I’m proud of, Internet. But we all have our dirty little secrets. What’s yours?